Idols

Lord

As surely as I have worshiped at the altar of cheap pleasure I have made her an idol in my heart

Inside I feel like weeping at the loss. At my ignorance, and at the thought I may one day have to watch her fall in love with another.

Am I hearing you say to weep, to embrace this imagined pain, to allow it to push me closer towards you?

JESUS: Yes, that is what I’m saying. It’s okay to be sad, to lament, to desire something good so strongly and yet allow me to heal you of your idolatry. I have told you Bud I will give you strength, I will show you you are a man, and when I do I will grant you another heart to love because then you will be able to love as I do.

ME: But when and who?

JESUS: When I say and who I say? It may be who you’re thinking of but follow my directions on that. What are you hearing right now?

ME: Let it go, but I keep picking it back up again.

JESUS: Then just keep letting it go.

ME: Okay, so now what?

JESUS: Just relax. You will be good. Trust me.

ME: Yes I know. But I really do want her.

JESUS: I know what you want. Keep your heart pure and I just may grant you what you’re asking, and besides I’ve already said you’re going to find someone to cleave to, and if it’s not her…

ME: Please?

JESUS: *smiling* I will be with you. Now turn away from this computer and go. Now.

Labor Day Boredom

Here’s how my night went…
I talked to Jesus.
I sinned.
I went to bed. It was 9 PM.
I woke up at a quarter to 11.
I woke up at 2am.
I woke up at 3am.
I woke up at 3:27am.
I talked with Jesus, mainly about my sin. He reassured me that he did not hate me, and we talked about how to avoid that particular sin.
I cleaned up the house because he told me that if I wanted to learn to love like him-I do especially learn to love a Godly woman-I would need to keep a clean household.
I played some Mass Effect. A surprisingly boring game.
I had another cigarette, decided not to listen to whatever Jesus was trying to tell me and sinned again.
I went back to sleep.
I got up and played some Prototype. Good graphics, easy controls, and heck its fun to pretend you can run up walls, jump super high and glide to the ground…
I tried to watch some Lone Wolf and Cub. It is a good flick but I wasn’t feeling it. Had another smoke, sinned again, and went back to sleep.
What’s wrong with me?
JESUS: Nothing. You’re human like everyone else, I love you and we’re dealing with this sin. Does writing all this make you feel better?
ME: Yes, no, I don’t @(#$&* know.
JESUS: Yes you do.
ME: Writing makes me feel better, no matter what the words are. Walking over to this office made me feel better.
JESUS: So walk back. Have a bite to eat, chill out.
ME: Can I smoke?
JESUS: You’re just going to keep going round and round about that aren’t you? That bronchitis really sucked didn’t it?
ME: You keep bringing that up?
JESUS: Autumn and then winter. The cold will get into those lungs, attack them, and since yours are weakened by smoke…
ME: I understand. I’m just not ready. It has me. Isn’t a couple weeks of sobriety…
JESUS: Best we don’t go there right now. Go on back to the house and chill out. Joe said he’d be over around noon didn’t he?
ME: Yeah.
JESUS: Go chill then.