A Big Green Thing Says Goodbye

the  big green thing is tired
sore feet
fatigued body
weary from battle
and practice battle
and battle
and practice battle
and running, and running, and running
and tear gas, and insects, and nights and days, and nights and days
away from his little green things

it is the little green thing’s job to remove the black boots
first to unlace them
next to stand with the big legs between his little legs
and to pull and pull and pull
facing the opposite wall
the big green thing laying on his bed
feet out and both big groan and little groan
until pop
off come the boots

then it is the little green thing’s job to rub
the big green things feet
leathery feet
and worn from running in the rain

but it is not for the little green thing
to be too excited
that the big green thing is home
because the big green thing is exhausted
and still has a lot of work to do
and it is not for the little green thing to
be to too doleful, which is another word for
sad because the little green thing likes new words
but the big green thing isn’t interested in new words
or at least he doesn’t seem to be
and it is not for the little green thing to be
too anything
just be somewhere else
let the two big green things enjoy each other
and don’t bother the other little green thing

so sometimes the little green thing wonders
am I really green at all
and so he tries out
primrose and xanthic, azure and indigo,  amethyst and heliotrope,
apricot and salmon, and burgundy and magenta
which are just
yellow, blue, purple, orange, and red
but the little emerald and jade and forest and olive thing likes
words and meanings
their sounds and shapes and shades
but he knows he’s a green thing

A big green thing himself now
but of a different shade
and with flecks of red within
and sprays of gold from sunlight
and blue of sky behind
and he knows he may have got some green
but that he’s so much more

because he has met
and he knows the maker of colors
and light
and all things good and full of love and life
whose voice shows in a whisper
how to shed a tear for what was lost
and say goodbye to days gone by
and let it go like a ship to sea
or maybe just maybe you’re on the ship
or are the ship and adventures untold await ahead
await ahead

Goodbye Dad
Goodbye Mom
Goodbye little sister
Goodbye little Buddy

A moment of healing

I am still down but maybe that’s okay.
Me:What should I do right now?
Jesus: What do you want to do?
Me:I want to talk a little with Dr. Karen.
Jesus: But you’re a little depressed at having to wait so long, and you wish you had a clearer idea of what to do while you wait?
Me: Exactly.
Jesus: Plus you’re still feeling down about what Bryan said this morning.
Me: Yeah.
Jesus: And you wish you could have that hope for her that borders confidence, like supreme knowledge.
Me: Yeah, Jason talked about that.
Jesus: Do you trust me?
Me: Yes.  More today than yesterday.
Jesus: Good.  Then keep it up.  You’re doing well.
Me: Really?  Then why do I feel so down?
Jesus: Because this is all so new to you.  Because your hurts, habits, and hang-ups are all so fresh, but Bud you have let so much go, you have given me so much, and I love you.  I love you.  I love you Bud.  Do you trust that you have value because I say you have value?
Me:  Yeah.  I guess.
Jesus:  Hurts, habits, hang-ups, sin Bud, just anything that keeps us apart.  You’re doing so well.  Trust me.
Me: Are you really saying this?
Jesus:  What did I tell you about second guesses?  No more of that.  Courage.
Me:  Okay.
Jesus:  Deep breath.  Relax.  You’ll get sometime with the Dr. tomorrow.
Me:  What should I do now?
Jesus:  Go home.  Get that book shelf set up like you want it.  Do some laundry.  Clean the house.  Do some exercises-don’t worry about going to the rec room just get physical for a while.  Cook a nice dinner.  Watch an hour or so of television.  Read a novel.  Go to bed early.  And smile.  I love you, I’m with you, I’ve got good plans for you.  Trust me.
Me:  Okay.

 

What Jesus told me this morning…

Jesus: Good Morning Bud.

Me: Good morning, did you wake me up?

Jesus: What do you think?

Me: Wow.  (it was 4am)

Jesus: I just wanted to tell you.  You’re raw right now.  Every little success feels like success itself and every little failure feels like failure itself.  This is a lie.  I do not measure success and failure as the world does.  My concern is more on the upright and the wicked, the wise and the foolish.  Bud I am teaching you and giving you righteousness, you are the man who has fallen seven times and keeps getting back up, the one I warn the wicked against in Proverbs, because you keep getting back up.  The temptation will be to allow the lowness you feel at your sin to crush you., to believe those voices in you heart that I have told you are not me.  My friend Dwayne told you something true of my way.  Keep on the path and a day turns into a week, and a week turns into a month, and a month turns into a year and you look back and you’ll see how far you’ve come.  For many years my friend, you couldn’t even go a night without angling for some way to pleasure yourself.  Look how far you’ve come in just these few short weeks.  Your failure then is not failure itself.  Don’t you know?  You already are a winner.

Me: But I feel so weak.

Jesus: Good, in your weakness I am strong. 

Me: So what next?

Jesus: Today you look to me.  Go be of service.  Find something to do.  You may be tempted to play the X-Box again but put it away for awhile.  Last night you were looking for it to be a comfort to you.  I have already sent you the comforter-my Holy Spirit.  There is nothing wrong with fun activities but they are only that, a fun activity.  Comfort on the other hand is more, deeper, and must be realized first or those other good things you desire will loom too large in your heart.

Me: Like her?

Jesus: Yes.  Your desire to be a good husband will never happen apart from me.  You will angle, lie, manipulate, pretend you are this or that to make her like you.  She already does.  Has already told you she wants to be friends.

Me: But I don’t know how. 

Jesus: You’re learning aren’t you?  Trust me.  Lean on me when you feel weak. 

There was more but what was really cool was I was tempted to go back to bed and he told me not to, told me that wasn’t a good idea.  Told me to go for a walk.  So I did.  On the way back, when I started to think about what she would want in a man he said;

Jesus: Be that then, don’t just pretend to be it, be it. 

That takes time but I’ll be okay.

Idols

Lord

As surely as I have worshiped at the altar of cheap pleasure I have made her an idol in my heart

Inside I feel like weeping at the loss. At my ignorance, and at the thought I may one day have to watch her fall in love with another.

Am I hearing you say to weep, to embrace this imagined pain, to allow it to push me closer towards you?

JESUS: Yes, that is what I’m saying. It’s okay to be sad, to lament, to desire something good so strongly and yet allow me to heal you of your idolatry. I have told you Bud I will give you strength, I will show you you are a man, and when I do I will grant you another heart to love because then you will be able to love as I do.

ME: But when and who?

JESUS: When I say and who I say? It may be who you’re thinking of but follow my directions on that. What are you hearing right now?

ME: Let it go, but I keep picking it back up again.

JESUS: Then just keep letting it go.

ME: Okay, so now what?

JESUS: Just relax. You will be good. Trust me.

ME: Yes I know. But I really do want her.

JESUS: I know what you want. Keep your heart pure and I just may grant you what you’re asking, and besides I’ve already said you’re going to find someone to cleave to, and if it’s not her…

ME: Please?

JESUS: *smiling* I will be with you. Now turn away from this computer and go. Now.

Prologue: A Miracle at the Races

Prologue: A Miracle at the Races

Shane O’Malley clutched his ticket between thick fingers and willed his horse to the lead position.  He stood at the edge of the grandstand, his sweat desperation, his appearance telegraphing his addiction; long unkempt hair, spotty beard around a nasty scar, ten or fifteen year old shorts and polo complete with coffee stains and splotches of what might have been cocktail or marinara sauce, he wore sandals oblivious to his uncut toenails-except for the big toe on his right foot which had no nail.  His only vanity was a pair of large, gold, aviator sunglasses.

But his will was weak, he knew it, knew he had no power to drive Ace of Spades into the winners circle.  The ticket represented more than a mere bet but rather the end of a long and much used rope.  So, Shane saw no other option but the following prayer; and not a prayer so much as a deal with God.

“God, God, I promise, I swear on my life if you let me win, just this once, one more time, I’ll never make another bet so long as I breath.  I’ll even light a candle on it at Saint Cecilia’s afterwards.  Just please, just please God, let me win.”

His eyes were closed and though a race track is a noisy place, his friend Ernie Lowenstein heard every word.  So when Ace of Spades, from the middle of the pack, past up Morning Glory, Spirit of the Mist, and the favorite for that race Absolute Zero, and won by a full length in a fabulous upset, Shane opened his eyes and found himself staring into the wide eyed and eager face of his somewhat dimwitted friend.  The exultation of the victory drained from Shane’s body as he realized he must have been praying aloud and that Ernie must have heard it.  And if Ernie had heard it then he’d take the role of the cricket, Jiminy, and pester him to fulfill his oath to God.

Which he would, but not before watching poor Ernie bleed out from a couple of nasty bullet wounds to his neck and stomach.  Bullets meant for Shane of course.

But that’s jumping ahead.

Before any of that Shane and Ernie left the track.  They stopped to collect their winnings.  The teller thanked the dour faced Shane.  He did not speculate long as to why O’Malley wasn’t happier.  It is a common scene at places where bets are made, a blue man collecting a pile of green.  The words bet and debt having more in common than simply rhyming.

Walking to Ernie’s cab, Ernie calculated the quickest route to Saint Cecilia’s Catholic Church, and Shane wondered what he could say to his friend to avoid that.  Ernie had parked his cab at The Winner’s Circle-one of those ubiquitous pubs near race tracks-so they had a long walk.  They didn’t say anything.

Near the entrance to the track there was parked a black caddy.  Inside, sat two rather rotund gentlemen in black suits.  The driver starred dead-eyed out the window.  The passenger was hunched over his cell phone playing a game that only required him to push the five button, which caused a digital helicopter to fly over digital obstacles.

“Would you put that up!”  The driver swore.

“No!  I’m about to break 1000 seconds here.”

“200 seconds, 500 seconds, 1000 seconds,” The driver mimicked.  “I’m going to break that phone on your face.”  He swore some more.  “The boss said to watch for O’Malley and call it in as soon as he leaves the track.”

“So watch.”

“You watch!”

“I’m taking a break.”

So, in their argument neither noticed as Shane and Ernie shuffled past.  Had they been paying attention, and called it in as instructed the events that followed, but this isn’t going to be about what might have happened, only about what did happen.  Besides none of the events that followed Shane’s miracle would have occurred had Ernie not fallen thirty feet from a tree house, twenty five years previous.

Here’s what happened.

Shane O’Malley and Frankie Tedesco were best friends.  Had been for seven long years, which in relative kid time was so close to eternity as to make the marking of time academic, and of course they measured their friendship in kid time, from summer to summer.  That was seven summers and six full school years.  Shane and Frankie did everything together, at least everything important.  And to a couple of boys born circa 1964 in a burgeoning suburbia important was fishing in the creek behind the new subdivision, playing stick ball in the street, riding their bikes to Tillman’s to buy soda pop’s and the new Spiderman, and suffering through long hours of school until recess and summer.  Ernie had joined the crew in 1970.

Ernest Lowenstein, only son to Joe and Ethel Lowenstein, born late in their lives, and perhaps too late as Ethel’s body had betrayed her son.  Perhaps being so close to the change of life had made Ethel’s womb a treacherous place for a divine knitting room.  God got the job done of course but Ernie had not been left unaffected.  Besides a slight heart murmur he was slow.  The PC term is developmentally challenged, a fact that both caused and insulated Ernie from childhood cruelty.  Both classroom and playground derision were lost on Ernie.  He did not get it, any of it, subtle or direct.  When Stephanie Meyer said, “You’re such a genius Ernie.”  Ernie wondered if he were a genius why he didn’t make better grades, and he never realized he was the moron, or Idiot Ernest the other kids were laughing at.  Ernie was happy.  Shane and Frankie played with him and had someone tried to explain pity to him he would not have understood how it applied to him.

That summer, the summer they were all ten; the summer Shane had a perpetual black eye, and Frankie insisted they call themselves a crew because he wanted to be like his older brother, Michael, the summer they took more notice of the girls in bikinis at the neighborhood swimming pool, Frankie and Shane decided they should all become blood brothers.

“We’ll do it tonight at the tree house.  My folks won’t even know I’m gone.”  Shane had said.

“And I already asked mine about staying over.”  Frankie had said.

They’d told Ernie to check with his to make sure it was cool.  “Sure.”  Ernie had said but continued to roll back and forth on his bike.

“Now!”

“Oh.”

Frankie and Shane had smiled and rolled their eyes as Ernie had ridden off towards the west end of Herman Street.  He’d stopped at the intersection, paused a beat, and looked around confused.  He’d looked back at Shane and Frankie who were pointing towards his house on the other end of the street.  Ernie had wheeled around and shouted out “I got lost!”, as he rode past his friends.

“Of course they can stay over.”  Ethel had smiled down at her son.  This was the very reason Joe had built the tree house.  Ernie’s uniqueness did cause his mother some anxiety.  But boys must have buddies, and buddies often want to stay over the night.  The tree house pretty much guaranteed the O’Malley boy and the Tedesco boy would always want to stay at their house.  Ethel did not believe she could bear a night away from her boy, even if it were only two or three blocks.

Sitting in a circle in the tree house that night, pocket knife open and wielded like a pointer, Frankie explained the seriousness of blood brotherhood.  “This means we go to the mat for each other, that both our friends and enemies are shared, and that if we break this oath by betraying it we should have all our blood spilled like this little bit is going to be spilt now.”

Shane had nodded.  Ernie had screwed up his face wondering if he’d ever heard the words betraying or oath before.

“Agreed?”  Frankie said.

Ernie nodded only because Shane had.

“Good.  So you cut your palm here, and pass the knife to the next man.  Then we let our blood mix, and then we’re blood brothers.  Who’s first?”

Not wanting to be left out or thought chicken Ernie grabbed the knife before Shane and Frankie could say anything.  They were about to sigh relief as neither of them really wanted to slice their palms, but then Ernie stabbed the knife an inch, an inch and a half into his fleshy palm and sliced down a good two inches.  He’d moved faster than the pain.  Once it did reach his brain he screamed, panic set in as a natural reaction to all that sudden neurochemical communication and he bolted for his mother, out the door of the tree house and thirty feet down, without wasting time on the ladder.  He thudded and was surrounded by black.  He didn’t come to for three days.  When he did he had a fat scar on his palm and had broken his neck.  For the rest of his life his head and neck angled away from his body like a crooked fence post.  He looked like a man who was always about to say “I don’t know.”

Shane and Frankie had never finished the ritual.  They might have grown distant from each other but for Ernie’s accident.  While they never really played or talked as they had before they were perpetually drawn together by an unconscious understanding, an unvoiced and profound feeling that although they had never mixed blood their pact did apply to Ernie because he had cut himself so deeply.  And Shane and Frankie both would receive scars as a sign of their oath, each earned while trying to protect the slow and sweet son of Joe and Ethel Lowenstein.

Shane got his the winter of 1979.  He was fifteen and had been invited to his first real high school party by Monica Dickerson.  He’d felt compelled to bring Ernie along.

At the party Ernie had spoken with Stephanie Meyer.  Stephanie, now a cheerleader, was still sharp-witted; however she had grown in her understanding of Ernie and tended to treat him with grace.  Stephanie’s boyfriend, Ron McAllister did not understand, and if he thought of grace at all it would only have been of the lady who cut his mother’s hair.

“What are you doing retard?”  He’d thumped Ernie on the back of the head.

“Oww,” Ernie had said.

They’d been sitting on a couch, Stephanie listening to Ernie’s stories in much the same way Ethel did.  And much as his mother would have defended him Stephanie stood up for Ernie.  “Stop it Ron.”  She said.

“Why should I?  This dill hole’s got no right to talk to you.”  And he whacked Ernie on the back of the head.

“Stop it.”  Ernie whined.

“You don’t like that retard.”  Whack.

“Don’t call me that.”

“What you like Idiot Ernest better?”  Whack.

“Ron!”  Stephanie had yelled.

But he’d just kept on whacking and thumping Ernie in the back of the head.  Ernie, who had been quite enjoying his conversation with Stephanie-her of the dark hair, rose red lips, lovely smell, and who talked to him in a way that made him feel all sugary inside-could not consider just leaving.  But the whacking was getting more frequent and fierce, and it made his neck hurt.

Whack, whack, whack.

And then Shane had tackled Burt from behind and was on top of him, pounding, and pounding, and screaming, and spitting.

And then Ron’s friends were pulling Shane off and shoving him out of the house.

“Go Ernie, run!”  Stephanie had yelled.

His eyes had gone blank for a moment.

“Go! Help Shane!”  She’d yelled, helping him up and hustling him out the door.

Ron had forgotten about making fun of Ernie.  He’d been pretty blitzed anyway.  But he had remembered Shane, and when Stephanie broke up with him he set his mind to inflicting pain on O’Malley.  Which he did, catching Shane on a date with Monica he had three of his friends drag him into an alley behind Tillman’s.  It would have been a standard high school beating but Ron found a broken beer bottle.  He’d been planning on just scaring O’Malley with it, but by that point Shane was beyond fear-he was already intimate with beatings anyway.

“You won’t cut me.”  He’d said, “You’re too much of a,” And it was the expression his father always used.  Especially when whiskey drunk and Shane started to look more like a punching bag than a son.  Shane hated the way it sounded, hated the way it tasted in his mouth, but in that moment he found it’s dark power.  He’d wanted Ron to cut him.  The black eyes his father gave him no longer seemed sufficient penance for his many sins.  “Go on.”  He screamed the expression again.

Ron had been drinking that night so perhaps that had lowered his inhibitions.  Perhaps he’d been trying to pay his own sick penance.  Whatever the case, he’d slashed out with the broken bottle.  The jagged glass bit into flesh on the right cheek of Shane’s face, leaving him bleeding.

“What the hell Ron!”  One of his friends yelled as the other two bolted.  “Are you nuts?”

Shane felt nothing and fell into fits of mad laughter.  “Don’t forget the other side,” and again his father’s words on his tongue.

This time the words slapped Ron McAllister into reality.  He dropped the bottle and was gone.

Ron’s friend, Burt Covington, remained.  “Man, I’m sorry, I didn’t know he’d go off the reservation like that.”

Shane just kept laughing.  “You want some too?”  Again the hateful words.

“No man, but you need to go to the ER at St. Joe’s.  That’s a bad cut.”

And so Burt had taken him.

“And how did this one happen.”  The emergency room staff at St. Joe’s knew Shane well.

Burt had been somewhat frightened about what to say, but a lie came to Shane quicker than the truth, and so they stitched him up, one for each year of his life.

Two week later, they had to do it all again.  His father had come home with a bellyful of Wild Turkey and the vile words on his lips.  He’d found the hospital bill on the kitchen counter.  He expressed his complaint at the expense by opening the stitches with two or three quick backhands to Shane’s cheek.

Shane would never speak it, but he knew the scar on his face matched the scar on Ernie’s palm.

Frankie Tedesco would receive his wound three years later, in a hotel room used for poker games, from his brother Michael.

By that time Shane had learned that he loved to gamble.

Who is Horace Finkbinder?

Prologue: A Miracle at the Races

Shane O’Malley clutched his ticket between thick fingers and willed his horse to the lead position.  He stood at the edge of the grandstand, his sweat desperation, his appearance telegraphing his addiction; long unkempt hair, spotty beard around a nasty scar, ten or fifteen year old shorts and polo complete with coffee stains and splotches of what might have been cocktail or marinara sauce, he wore sandals oblivious to his uncut toenails-except for the big toe on his right foot which had no nail.  His only vanity was a pair of large, gold, aviator sunglasses.

But his will was weak, he knew it, knew he had no power to drive Ace of Spades into the winners circle.  The ticket represented more than a mere bet but rather the end of a long and much used rope.  So, Shane saw no other option but the following prayer; and not a prayer so much as a deal with God.

“God, God, I promise, I swear on my life if you let me win, just this once, one more time, I’ll never make another bet so long as I breath.  I’ll even light a candle on it at Saint Cecilia’s afterwards.  Just please, just please God, let me win.”

His eyes were closed and though a race track is a noisy place, his friend Ernie Lowenstein heard every word.  So when Ace of Spades, from the middle of the pack, past up Morning Glory, Spirit of the Mist, and the favorite for that race Absolute Zero, and won by a full length in a fabulous upset, Shane opened his eyes and found himself staring into the wide eyed and eager face of his somewhat dimwitted friend.  The exultation of the victory drained from Shane’s body as he realized he must have been praying aloud and that Ernie must have heard it.  And if Ernie had heard it then he’d take the role of the cricket, Jiminy, and pester him to fulfill his oath to God.

Which he would, but not before watching poor Ernie bleed out from a couple of nasty bullet wounds to his neck and stomach.  Bullets meant for Shane of course.

But that’s jumping ahead.

Before any of that Shane and Ernie left the track.  They stopped to collect their winnings.  The teller thanked the dour faced Shane.  He did not speculate long as to why O’Malley wasn’t happier.  It is a common scene at places where bets are made, a blue man collecting a pile of green.  The words bet and debt having more in common than simply rhyming.

Walking to Ernie’s cab, Ernie calculated the quickest route to Saint Cecilia’s Catholic Church, and Shane wondered what he could say to his friend to avoid that.  Ernie had parked his cab at The Winner’s Circle-one of those ubiquitous pubs near race tracks-so they had a long walk.  They didn’t say anything.

Near the entrance to the track there was parked a black caddy.  Inside, sat two rather rotund gentlemen in black suits.  The driver starred dead-eyed out the window.  The passenger was hunched over his cell phone playing a game that only required him to push the five button, which caused a digital helicopter to fly over digital obstacles.

“Would you put that up!”  The driver swore.

“No!  I’m about to break 1000 seconds here.”

“200 seconds, 500 seconds, 1000 seconds,” The driver mimicked.  “I’m going to break that phone on your face.”  He swore some more.  “The boss said to watch for O’Malley and call it in as soon as he leaves the track.”

“So watch.”

“You watch!”

“I’m taking a break.”

So, in their argument neither noticed as Shane and Ernie shuffled past.  Had they been paying attention, and called it in as instructed the events that followed, but this isn’t going to be about what might have happened, only about what did happen.  Besides none of the events that followed Shane’s miracle would have occurred had Ernie not fallen thirty feet from a tree house, twenty five years previous.

Here’s what happened.

Shane O’Malley and Frankie Tedesco were best friends.  Had been for seven long years, which in relative kid time was so close to eternity as to make the marking of time academic, and of course they measured their friendship in kid time, from summer to summer.  That was seven summers and six full school years.  Shane and Frankie did everything together, at least everything important.  And to a couple of boys born circa 1964 in a burgeoning suburbia important was fishing in the creek behind the new subdivision, playing stick ball in the street, riding their bikes to Tillman’s to buy soda pop’s and the new Spiderman, and suffering through long hours of school until recess and summer.  Ernie had joined the crew in 1970.

Ernest Lowenstein, only son to Joe and Ethel Lowenstein, born late in their lives, and perhaps too late as Ethel’s body had betrayed her son.  Perhaps being so close to the change of life had made Ethel’s womb a treacherous place for a divine knitting room.  God got the job done of course but Ernie had not been left unaffected.  Besides a slight heart murmur he was slow.  The PC term is developmentally challenged, a fact that both caused and insulated Ernie from childhood cruelty.  Both classroom and playground derision were lost on Ernie.  He did not get it, any of it, subtle or direct.  When Stephanie Meyer said, “You’re such a genius Ernie.”  Ernie wondered if he were a genius why he didn’t make better grades, and he never realized he was the moron, or Idiot Ernest the other kids were laughing at.  Ernie was happy.  Shane and Frankie played with him and had someone tried to explain pity to him he would not have understood how it applied to him.

That summer, the summer they were all ten; the summer Shane had a perpetual black eye, and Frankie insisted they call themselves a crew because he wanted to be like his older brother, Michael, the summer they took more notice of the girls in bikinis at the neighborhood swimming pool, Frankie and Shane decided they should all become blood brothers.

“We’ll do it tonight at the tree house.  My folks won’t even know I’m gone.”  Shane had said.

“And I already asked mine about staying over.”  Frankie had said.

They’d told Ernie to check with his to make sure it was cool.  “Sure.”  Ernie had said but continued to roll back and forth on his bike.

“Now!”

“Oh.”

Frankie and Shane had smiled and rolled their eyes as Ernie had ridden off towards the west end of Herman Street.  He’d stopped at the intersection, paused a beat, and looked around confused.  He’d looked back at Shane and Frankie who were pointing towards his house on the other end of the street.  Ernie had wheeled around and shouted out “I got lost!”, as he rode past his friends.

“Of course they can stay over.”  Ethel had smiled down at her son.  This was the very reason Joe had built the tree house.  Ernie’s uniqueness did cause his mother some anxiety.  But boys must have buddies, and buddies often want to stay over the night.  The tree house pretty much guaranteed the O’Malley boy and the Tedesco boy would always want to stay at their house.  Ethel did not believe she could bear a night away from her boy, even if it were only two or three blocks.

Sitting in a circle in the tree house that night, pocket knife open and wielded like a pointer, Frankie explained the seriousness of blood brotherhood.  “This means we go to the mat for each other, that both our friends and enemies are shared, and that if we break this oath by betraying it we should have all our blood spilled like this little bit is going to be spilt now.”

Shane had nodded.  Ernie had screwed up his face wondering if he’d ever heard the words betraying or oath before.

“Agreed?”  Frankie said.

Ernie nodded only because Shane had.

“Good.  So you cut your palm here, and pass the knife to the next man.  Then we let our blood mix, and then we’re blood brothers.  Who’s first?”

Not wanting to be left out or thought chicken Ernie grabbed the knife before Shane and Frankie could say anything.  They were about to sigh relief as neither of them really wanted to slice their palms, but then Ernie stabbed the knife an inch, an inch and a half into his fleshy palm and sliced down a good two inches.  He’d moved faster than the pain.  Once it did reach his brain he screamed, panic set in as a natural reaction to all that sudden neurochemical communication and he bolted for his mother, out the door of the tree house and thirty feet down, without wasting time on the ladder.  He thudded and was surrounded by black.  He didn’t come to for three days.  When he did he had a fat scar on his palm and had broken his neck.  For the rest of his life his head and neck angled away from his body like a crooked fence post.  He looked like a man who was always about to say “I don’t know.”

Shane and Frankie had never finished the ritual.  They might have grown distant from each other but for Ernie’s accident.  While they never really played or talked as they had before they were perpetually drawn together by an unconscious understanding, an unvoiced and profound feeling that although they had never mixed blood their pact did apply to Ernie because he had cut himself so deeply.  And Shane and Frankie both would receive scars as a sign of their oath, each earned while trying to protect the slow and sweet son of Joe and Ethel Lowenstein.

Shane got his the winter of 1979.  He was fifteen and had been invited to his first real high school party by Monica Dickerson.  He’d felt compelled to bring Ernie along.

At the party Ernie had spoken with Stephanie Meyer.  Stephanie, now a cheerleader, was still sharp-witted; however she had grown in her understanding of Ernie and tended to treat him with grace.  Stephanie’s boyfriend, Ron McAllister did not understand, and if he thought of grace at all it would only have been of the lady who cut his mother’s hair.

“What are you doing retard?”  He’d thumped Ernie on the back of the head.

“Oww,” Ernie had said.

They’d been sitting on a couch, Stephanie listening to Ernie’s stories in much the same way Ethel did.  And much as his mother would have defended him Stephanie stood up for Ernie.  “Stop it Ron.”  She said.

“Why should I?  This dill hole’s got no right to talk to you.”  And he whacked Ernie on the back of the head.

“Stop it.”  Ernie whined.

“You don’t like that retard.”  Whack.

“Don’t call me that.”

“What you like Idiot Ernest better?”  Whack.

“Ron!”  Stephanie had yelled.

But he’d just kept on whacking and thumping Ernie in the back of the head.  Ernie, who had been quite enjoying his conversation with Stephanie-her of the dark hair, rose red lips, lovely smell, and who talked to him in a way that made him feel all sugary inside-could not consider just leaving.  But the whacking was getting more frequent and fierce, and it made his neck hurt.

Whack, whack, whack.

And then Shane had tackled Burt from behind and was on top of him, pounding, and pounding, and screaming, and spitting.

And then Ron’s friends were pulling Shane off and shoving him out of the house.

“Go Ernie, run!”  Stephanie had yelled.

His eyes had gone blank for a moment.

“Go! Help Shane!”  She’d yelled, helping him up and hustling him out the door.

Ron had forgotten about making fun of Ernie.  He’d been pretty blitzed anyway.  But he had remembered Shane, and when Stephanie broke up with him he set his mind to inflicting pain on O’Malley.  Which he did, catching Shane on a date with Monica he had three of his friends drag him into an alley behind Tillman’s.  It would have been a standard high school beating but Ron found a broken beer bottle.  He’d been planning on just scaring O’Malley with it, but by that point Shane was beyond fear-he was already intimate with beatings anyway.

“You won’t cut me.”  He’d said, “You’re too much of a,” And it was the expression his father always used.  Especially when whiskey drunk and Shane started to look more like a punching bag than a son.  Shane hated the way it sounded, hated the way it tasted in his mouth, but in that moment he found it’s dark power.  He’d wanted Ron to cut him.  The black eyes his father gave him no longer seemed sufficient penance for his many sins.  “Go on.”  He screamed the expression again.

Ron had been drinking that night so perhaps that had lowered his inhibitions.  Perhaps he’d been trying to pay his own sick penance.  Whatever the case, he’d slashed out with the broken bottle.  The jagged glass bit into flesh on the right cheek of Shane’s face, leaving him bleeding.

“What the hell Ron!”  One of his friends yelled as the other two bolted.  “Are you nuts?”

Shane felt nothing and fell into fits of mad laughter.  “Don’t forget the other side,” and again his father’s words on his tongue.

This time the words slapped Ron McAllister into reality.  He dropped the bottle and was gone.

Ron’s friend, Burt Covington, remained.  “Man, I’m sorry, I didn’t know he’d go off the reservation like that.”

Shane just kept laughing.  “You want some too?”  Again the hateful words.

“No man, but you need to go to the ER at St. Joe’s.  That’s a bad cut.”

And so Burt had taken him.

“And how did this one happen.”  The emergency room staff at St. Joe’s knew Shane well.

Burt had been somewhat frightened about what to say, but a lie came to Shane quicker than the truth, and so they stitched him up, one for each year of his life.

Two week later, they had to do it all again.  His father had come home with a bellyful of Wild Turkey and the vile words on his lips.  He’d found the hospital bill on the kitchen counter.  He expressed his complaint at the expense by opening the stitches with two or three quick backhands to Shane’s cheek.

Shane would never speak it, but he knew the scar on his face matched the scar on Ernie’s palm.

Frankie Tedesco would receive his wound three years later, in a hotel room used for poker games, from his brother Michael.

By that time Shane had learned that he loved to gamble.

Old Dumb Father Time

I’ve been thinking of Kronos lately
Old Father Time
a dumb god
with beads
and bucket

plink

plink

plink

just one after the other

is all he can do 

pile up the seconds

the minutes

the hours

the days

the months

and years

just a dumb god

plink

plink

plink

but every now and then the Infinate Other, the Eternal One

Father of light and all things good and joyous

maker of reality with a word

slips a karios into the pile Old Dumb Father Time

and that dumb god

just grabs it

plink

plink

plink

plunk

an opportune moment

the alignment of redemption

and I get to particpate

Labor Day Boredom

Here’s how my night went…
I talked to Jesus.
I sinned.
I went to bed. It was 9 PM.
I woke up at a quarter to 11.
I woke up at 2am.
I woke up at 3am.
I woke up at 3:27am.
I talked with Jesus, mainly about my sin. He reassured me that he did not hate me, and we talked about how to avoid that particular sin.
I cleaned up the house because he told me that if I wanted to learn to love like him-I do especially learn to love a Godly woman-I would need to keep a clean household.
I played some Mass Effect. A surprisingly boring game.
I had another cigarette, decided not to listen to whatever Jesus was trying to tell me and sinned again.
I went back to sleep.
I got up and played some Prototype. Good graphics, easy controls, and heck its fun to pretend you can run up walls, jump super high and glide to the ground…
I tried to watch some Lone Wolf and Cub. It is a good flick but I wasn’t feeling it. Had another smoke, sinned again, and went back to sleep.
What’s wrong with me?
JESUS: Nothing. You’re human like everyone else, I love you and we’re dealing with this sin. Does writing all this make you feel better?
ME: Yes, no, I don’t @(#$&* know.
JESUS: Yes you do.
ME: Writing makes me feel better, no matter what the words are. Walking over to this office made me feel better.
JESUS: So walk back. Have a bite to eat, chill out.
ME: Can I smoke?
JESUS: You’re just going to keep going round and round about that aren’t you? That bronchitis really sucked didn’t it?
ME: You keep bringing that up?
JESUS: Autumn and then winter. The cold will get into those lungs, attack them, and since yours are weakened by smoke…
ME: I understand. I’m just not ready. It has me. Isn’t a couple weeks of sobriety…
JESUS: Best we don’t go there right now. Go on back to the house and chill out. Joe said he’d be over around noon didn’t he?
ME: Yeah.
JESUS: Go chill then.

Sometimes I disgust myself

Sometimes I disgust myself.

Where I have been is not where I am from Part I

Where I have been is not where I am from Part I

By R.M.Oliver

I suppose I am up so late because I decided to drink this evening.  I’ve had a bad sinus infection for the last two weeks, have missed too much work-although in this epoch I could do everything required of me at my day job from home-and have plunged into a thick fog of depression.  The strong cough syrup the doctor provided-can you say hydrocodone-along with the familiar fog leads to the easy solution.  But recovery is only an ancillary part of this piece.  This is about where I have been and where I am from, and they will never be the same.

In April I’ll have been back in Dallas for a year.  That’s too long.  No, not just for Dallas, for anywhere.  My natural disposition is wanderlust and right around three quarters of a year of living somewhere and I’m ready to pack what I can carry, toss what I can’t, and hit the road.  Where too next?

Here’s a quick rundown of the places I have lived since I graduated from high school in 1995.  I lived in DeSoto Texas at the time, a suburb on the south side of Dallas.  I start the clock from the day Dad tossed me out of the house.

Glenhaven-Plainview Arkansas 7mo 1995
Ft. Leonard Wood Missouri 2mo 1996
Ft. Sam Houston Texas 3mo 1996
Ft. Leonard Wood Missouri  7mo 1996-1997
Dallas Texas 3 years (36 months) 1997-1999 (From Jan 97 to December 99) The first bit and the middle bit and the last bit were living with the folks again.
America’s Keswick-Whitting New Jersey- 7mo 1999-2000 (New Year’s Eve 1999 to late July or Early Aug. 2000)
Glenhaven-Plainview Arkansas  3years  5 months (41 months) 2000-2003 (July/Aug 2000 to December 2003)
Russellville Arkansas  5mo 2003 (week after New Year’s to May)
Mexico-(yes that’s Old Mexico the cities of Puebla and Cholula) 2 years (24 months) 2004 to 2006 (from late May 04 to early May 06) This was back again with Mom and Dad.  Interestingly enough it is expected for single adult children to live at home in Mexico.
Dallas Texas- 2 years 7 months (31 months) 2006 to 2008 (from early May 04 to late December 2008)
Glenhaven-Plainview Arkansas 1 year 8 months (20 months) 2008 to 2010 (from late Dec 08 to August 2010)
The Christian Home-El Paso-Texas-9 months 2010 to 2011 (from mid Aug 2010 to Mid April 2011)
Dallas Texas-to date 9 months 2011 to 2012 (I arrived here on April 14th 2011 and am putting this together on Jan 4th 2012)

TOTALS

201 months since leaving my parent’s home as a high school graduate.  This is exactly 16 years and 9 months.

5 years, seven months and a week or two total at Glenhaven Youth Ranch

6 years, four months in Dallas

2 years in Mexico

3 years, four months in limbo or perhaps a better way to express it would be in transit, the time in the Military was a mistake-for me it was a mistake for many young men it is precisely what they need.

That formula comes out to 207 months which is exactly 17 years and 3 months.

That’s a six month difference which I’m sure would be accounted for via inexact figuring of the months I left or the months I arrived in various locations.

With some help from my parents I’ll do some figures for the rest of my life.

I’m pretty sure Dallas beats them all out for the most time as a resident which is kind of depressing because I am somewhat ambivalent about this area.  Some days it is a cool city full of cool city beats and a hip city vibe.  Some days it is exactly those beats and that vibe that crushes me and makes me long for endless miles of dirt road, a couple of joints, and either a six pack of High Life or a fifth of Evan Williams.  Add to that a shot gun, a snub nosed .38, and a .22 magnum and say goodbye to pests who feed on garbage and leave what they can’t eat strewn across lawns.

But one thing is clear to me.  I love to travel.  If I could get a gig traveling.  That’s the real dream, that’s the real goal.  Oh sure I’d have a base of operations, most likely somewhere within a quick strike of those dirt roads-the absence of the joints and booze notwithstanding.

And what would I do with that time?  Well just soak it all up of course.  Just check out the tucked away places, the dark corners, and the bright avenues, and all the teeming mass of people.  Just check it all out.

So where to next…

I think I’ll start again in Arkansas.

From there maybe I’ll strike out across country.  Visit LA and San Francisco, maybe stopover in Arizona and see how my buddy there is doing.  Hopefully he’s got his ranch back.  I’d probably go visit the aunts and uncles and cousins on the west coast whom I have not seen in dog’s year.  Then I’d do the same for the Midwestern relations on my mom’s side.  I’d most assuredly go visit my Dad’s oldest sister Nancy in Pennsylvania.  That’s some one hell of a big dose of culture shock for them I am sure.  My aunt Nancy and Uncle Gordon lived most of their married life in Castro Valley-just east from San Francisco across the bay and south of Oakland.  I think it’s been something like 5 years since they left the big western city and followed their oldest daughters family to rural Pennsylvania.  I’m not sure what town they live in but it is near Hershey.  My Uncle Gordon grew up in Watts where being a six foot white boy made him a minority.

And amidst those hello’s, and I’m doing wells, and how you’s to my parents brothers and sisters I suppose I might as well go ahead and track down the others as well.  What others?  You know the others I’m talking about.  The one’s you didn’t meet or only meet briefly at family reunions.  I suppose that’s not quite right.  I gather there are people my age who have spent their whole life in the one place their parents spent their whole life, and their parent’s parents spent their whole life, and their parents’ parents spent their whole life, and their parent’s parents’ parents homesteaded the place and a dime gets you a dollar folks like that are fairly closely connected to that larger family.  Hell they probably live a mile away from their grandmother’s brother from his great grandfather’s second marriage to that widow woman from Upstate New York.

But where to next?  Well I suppose in between all these howdoyoudo’s and so your’re Roger and Marcy’s son, I’d like to visit some bigger cities.  I mentioned Los Angeles and San Francisco, I’d probably check out Portland again, and Seattle, and Chicago.  I’ve been to all those places but would like to see them as an adult.  I hear San Diego is pretty.   I’d at least drive through Las Vegas.  New York City is a have to stop, as is D.C., Boston, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Birmingham, Mobile, New Orleans, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  I’d like to check out Columbus, any of them I can find.  I’d also stop off at some of my childhood places, most especially Fayetteville North Carolina.  Which would inevitably lead me back to Central America.  I’d like to visit Panama and Honduras again.

But where to next?  When I’d done all that and of course written a couple good selling novels or non-fiction essay books about it I’d have that hankering to see where the old people came from.  The old people?  You know who I’m talking about.  I’m not talking about the old people as in those sturdy souls who make it north of 80.  I’m talking about the dead ones.  Most of mine would be from Europe I know, the British Isles, Germany, Sweden.  I hear tell some of those from Sweden stopped off in Russia for a while, back when the United States of America was just a few colonies, before heading to Germany.  My grandmother has a poem written by a Peter Krehbiel regarding  his families exodus from his native land.  It is a sad poem in which Peter says farewell forever to the mountains and valleys of his youth,  but he is forced to go because his government will not allow him to worship Jesus as he knew him.  It is a haunting piece of family literature.  So I guess to honor him I’d like to go check out those mountains and valleys.

But where to next?  Well let’s see so far I’ve covered from sea to shining sea.  I’ve traipsed around Central and South America, and visited the land of my forbearers in Europe.  Perhaps Africa and the Middle East.  If some news source-liberal, conservative, or libertarian no matter-said Bud we want you to tour Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan and do a series of human interest stories I’d only have to ask when my flight left.  I long to see India, China, and Japan.  I’d love to go backpacking in the Siberian wilderness, and do a walkabout in Australia.

But where to next?  I suppose by this point I am old.  I can only hope my soul is so stout as to persist for 80 years which is not likely considering the chemicals I have ingested into my body.  And if I am still alive by then, I have plenty of dream money to fund this dream, I’ll probably be splitting my time up between those dirt roads-as I cannot imagine their magic will have worked itself loose of me-and some throbbing city.  Most likely though more of the time will be spent in the country.  Who knows where humans will be traveling in 2056?  Maybe I’ll take a cruise to the moon?  Maybe Mars?  Not a likely thing were you to want me to wager on it, but not impossible either.

I figure by then, sometime in the summer of 2056, shortly after my 80th birthday, I’ll be aching for my homeland.  I’ve never seen it but the longing in me to travel this earth is nothing compared to the desire to go there.  The former is akin to one’s desire for home cooked pie or cake and ice cream after a home cooked meal.  The latter is akin to a parched  man’s yearning for just one cool drop of water.  That is where I want to go.  And why on earth would I want to spend the in between time gallivanting across creation?  Well I have heard the master of that realm will want to know what I did with the gifts bestowed upon me.  Well if I have a gift for words and a gift for traveling I might as well use them.

And that’s enough of that…for now…I haven’t been to sleep yet, I have the hiccups because I’ve been freshening up a fat dip of Copenhagen for the last ninety minutes or more and have inadvertently swallowed more than a little bit.  The hiccups are annoying but I know just how to get rid of them.  In the meantime I figure I’ll get at least a part II out of this deal, having been sufficiently cryptic in part I.  Plus I’m curious about how my early life breaks down were I to parse it out on a chart like the one at the top of this piece.  Shouldn’t be too hard this first chart covers just over 17 years and 9 months.  The next one will only have to cover 17 years and 3 months, but I’ll probably just round it up to 18 years though, make it easy.

All this talk of years and months makes me yearn even more for my home country.  I can’t imagine we’ll even mark time there.

Love you all…Bud